From battleground to safe space: Supporting your child through mealtimes
Mealtimes can be a battleground for parents at the best of times, but when your child is struggling with disordered eating, emotions are even more heightened.
Here is some information on how to navigate mealtimes.
To note, this advice is targeted at young people experiencing anorexia or bulimia. Please do consult with your treatment team for specific plans.
Be the calm leader your child needs
There is research that shows that when caregivers take control over mealtimes it leads to better outcomes.
Your child is likely stuck in a prison of their own mind, thinking about all the things around food that they need to control in order to feel safe. It can feel relieving to have this control taken away.
However, the way this control is taken is crucial. You must lead with kindness and empathy as well as confidence.
What to do
Direct prompts, being clear to your child of what they have to do next can cut through the noise of their eating disorder:
“Get started on the pasta sweetheart”,
“I’ll sit with you” (sit close, eat the pasta together),
“That’s it, keep going my love” (offer a hug, they may even want spoon-feeding)
These direct prompts should be used alongside connection techniques, which can be maintained in the following ways:
If you and your child like to play a certain card or boardgame, this can be something you do throughout mealtimes as a form of connection and distraction,
Always finish a mealtime with even more connection. That can be an activity you like to do such as painting, drawing or playing games,
Focus on what you will do together after the meal is finished
“Once we’ve finished our meal, we will play uno together, I can’t wait.”
Lead with empathy as well as confidence
Mealtimes should also include lots of empathy and understanding, while maintaining that strong, calming and sure presence:
“I know this is hard sweetheart. I’m so sorry it feels that way. You are safe and I know you can do it. Let’s keep going.”
“Trust me. I’m right here.”
“I’m with you. I am on your side. We can do this together.”
“Thank you for telling me that your tummy hurts. Let’s take some deep breaths together for a couple of minutes.” (And then resume the meal)
Crucially, two things can exist at the same time. They can find it hard, and they also need to keep eating.
What not to do
The following things are a very common and sometimes automatic response from parents, but they are less helpful:
Trying to appeal to your child’s logic and reasoning to get them to eat:
Eating disorders are not logical! Your child’s brain is in a state of fear, logic unfortunately, is offline.
Using threats as a way to get them to eat
“If you don’t eat then…[punishment]”, this can increase fight or flight feelings
Change to “Once you’ve eaten then we will [insert connection activity]”
Praise when eating or have eaten
Direct praise can make someone with an ED feel guilt, regret or shame around eating
Instead, acknowledge their strength. “I know that was hard, but you got through it. Let’s go play Jenga.”
This is just a snapshot into how you can support your child at mealtimes. If mealtimes can feel like a battleground please reach out for a tailored plan of how to support your child through this.