Is This Just a Phase, or Is My Child Struggling With Food?
You’ve noticed something has changed.
Maybe they’re skipping breakfast.
Pushing food around their plate.
Saying they’ve “already eaten.”
Becoming upset if dinner isn’t what they expected.
Part of you wonders if this is just a phase.
Children and teenagers go through all sorts of stages with food. Fussy eating. Growth spurts. New preferences. Wanting independence.
But part of you feels uneasy.
And that uneasy feeling matters.
When Is It “Normal”, and When Is It Something More?
It’s common for children to:
Become selective with certain foods
Suddenly dislike foods they previously enjoyed
Eat more or less during growth phases
Experiment with new identities in adolescence
What’s less typical (and worth gently paying attention to), is when food becomes connected to:
Anxiety or distress
Strong rules about “good” or “bad” foods
Avoiding meals consistently
Increased secrecy around eating - this could be eating in secret or secretly not eating at all
Heightened body criticism
Mood changes alongside eating changes
Often, eating difficulties are not really about food.
They’re about control, anxiety, self-esteem, or overwhelming emotions.
The Early Signs Can Be Subtle
Parents often tell me:
“I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting.”
Early signs are rarely dramatic. They can look like:
Cutting food into very small pieces
Eating very slowly
Avoiding social situations involving food
A strong will to exericse more regularly
Comparing their body to others more frequently
Increased irritability around mealtimes
Wanting to eat alone
You might not see all of these. Even one or two shifts can be enough to trust your instinct.
Anxiety, Self-Esteem and Food Are Often Linked
For many children and teens, food becomes a way of coping.
If they feel:
Anxious about school
Socially insecure
Overwhelmed
Not “good enough”
Controlling food can temporarily feel safer than facing those bigger emotions.
That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.
It means they may need support.
What You Can Do Right Now
If you’re noticing changes:
Stay calm in conversations – Reacting with alarm can increase secrecy.
Avoid commenting on weight or appearance – Even reassurance can feel loaded.
Focus on feelings, not food – “I’ve noticed you seem stressed lately. I’m here if you want to talk.”
Look beneath the behaviour and get curious about what your child is communicating with it - if they’re irritable or angry don’t get angry back, get curious as to what might be going for them.
Keep routines steady – Regular mealtimes provide security.
Trust your instinct – If something feels off, it probably is.
You don’t have to wait until things are severe to ask for advice.
Early support is often much gentler than crisis intervention.
When to Seek Professional Support
You might consider reaching out if:
Food rules are becoming rigid
Anxiety around eating is increasing
There are ongoing mood changes
Mealtimes feel tense or conflict-filled
You’re constantly worrying about it
Getting guidance early doesn’t label your child.
It protects them.
You’re Not Overreacting
One of the hardest parts for parents is the self-doubt.
“Am I making this bigger than it is?”
In my experience working with children and teens struggling with eating, anxiety and self-esteem, parents’ instincts are rarely wrong.
You know your child.
If you’re feeling concerned, that’s enough reason to have a conversation.
If You’d Like to Talk It Through
If you’re based in York, or looking for online support, I offer a free 20-minute consultation where we can talk through what you’re noticing and think together about next steps.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Even one conversation can bring clarity.
The Beautiful, Messy Work of Being a Teenager
She sat on the edge of the sofa, hood pulled low, one foot tapping.
“I don’t even know why I’m here,” she said.
Pause.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just… tired.”
Over the next few weeks, the story unfolded slowly.
Not all at once. Not dramatically. Just in fragments.
Pressure to do well.
Friends who felt unpredictable.
A constant background noise of comparison.
The exhausting effort of holding it all together.
On the outside, she looked “fine.”
At home, she was irritable. Snappy. Distant.
Her parents were walking on eggshells, wondering how their warm, chatty child had become someone who barely spoke at dinner.
And underneath it all?
She was scared she wasn’t enough.
Sound familiar?
Teenagers Are Doing Something Extraordinary
Adolescence is not just a phase to “get through.” It’s a profound developmental shift.
Teenagers are separating, figuring out who they are, what they believe, where they fit. And that process is naturally messy.
They push.
They test.
They argue.
They reject what they once accepted.
This isn’t a rejection of you.
It’s a developmental necessity.
Somewhere underneath the eye rolls and slammed doors are unspoken questions:
If I disagree with you, will you still love me?
If I mess up, will I still belong?
If I change, am I still safe here?
The outlandish behaviour.
The door slamming.
The “you don’t understand!”
It’s all part of testing the boundary of unconditional acceptance.
They need to discover that the boundary holds.
That no matter what, they are still accepted, loved, and supported.
What I See When I Work With Them
I genuinely love working with teenagers. They are a gorgeous group to work with.
Under the bravado or the silence, I see:
Thoughtfulness
Fierce loyalty
Deep sensitivity
A longing to be understood
An enormous capacity for insight
Far more emotional intelligence than I certainly remember having at that age!
When they feel safe enough, they are honest in a way adults rarely are. There’s something incredibly special about earning that trust.
So many of the young people I meet are carrying more than anyone realises: academic pressure, friendship shifts, identity questions, body changes, and a digital world that never switches off.
Of course they feel overwhelmed sometimes.
Why Teenagers Often Won’t Talk to Their Parents
This is one of the most painful parts for parents.
Teenagers often pull away not because they don’t care, but because they care so much.
They might worry about:
Adding to your stress
Being judged
Being misunderstood
Making things “a big deal”
Therapy gives them a space that is entirely theirs. A space where they don’t have to protect anyone else’s feelings. A space where they can say the messy, unfiltered thoughts out loud without fear.
And something powerful happens when a young person realises:
“I’m not weird. I’m not broken. I’m human.”
Why Therapy Can Help
Parents are the emotional home base. But during adolescence, it can feel risky for teenagers to bring their most confusing thoughts to the people whose approval matters most.
Therapy offers them:
A steady, calm presence
Space to explore who they are becoming
Tools for managing big emotions
Acceptance without shock or judgement
I don’t replace parents. I help widen the circle of support around your child.
To Parents Who Are In the Thick of It
If your teenager feels more distant or volatile right now, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost them.
It means they are growing.
They still need boundaries.
They still need guidance.
And more than anything, they need to know:
“There is nothing you could do that would make you unlovable.”
Being allowed to sit alongside a young person at this stage of life, as they untangle who they are and begin to trust themselves, is a privilege. Watching them soften, understand themselves, and realise they are enough is one of the most meaningful parts of my work.
And I would be honoured to walk alongside your family if you feel your teenager might benefit from that extra space.
How can play therapy help my child?
When children are struggling with big feelings, worries, changes, or experiences they don’t yet have words for, play therapy can help.
Play therapy is a gentle, child-centred form of counselling that uses play, creativity, and imagination as a child’s natural way of communicating. Just as adults talk about their thoughts and feelings, children often “talk” through play.
Why Play?
Children don’t always have the language or emotional awareness to explain what’s going on inside. Play allows them to express themselves in a way that feels safe, familiar, and developmentally appropriate.
Through play, children can:
Explore feelings they may not yet understand
Work through difficult experiences or worries
Build emotional regulation and confidence
Develop problem-solving and coping skills
Play therapy is not about “fixing” or directing a child. Instead, it offers a safe, supportive space where they can be themselves and be accepted just as they are.
What Happens in a Play Therapy Session?
Each session is led by your child. They choose how they want to use the time, while I provide a safe, consistent, and containing environment.
Your child may:
Play quietly or energetically
Create stories or imaginary worlds
Repeat the same activity over several sessions
Change activities frequently
Talk a lot, or hardly at all
All of this is normal. There is no right or wrong way to do play therapy.
Over time, children often begin to use play to express feelings, try out new ways of coping, and make sense of things that may feel confusing or overwhelming.
My Therapy Space: A Calm, Creative Caravan
Sessions take place in my converted therapy caravan — a cosy, welcoming space designed especially for children. Many children find this separate, contained space feels special and safe, away from everyday distractions.
Inside the caravan you’ll find a wide range of therapeutic play materials, including:
Sand Tray
The sand tray allows children to create worlds, scenes, or stories using miniatures. This can be especially helpful for expressing experiences that are hard to put into words.
Dolls House and Figures
Using dolls, animals, and figures, children can act out relationships, routines, or imagined situations in a way that feels manageable and symbolic.
Puppets and Soft Toys
Puppets and toys often help children express feelings indirectly. Sometimes a puppet can say things that feel too hard to say out loud.
Art and Creative Materials
Painting, drawing, and craft activities give children another way to express emotions, experiment, and relax. There is no expectation to “make something nice”, it’s about the process, not the outcome.
Games and Play Activities
Games can support turn-taking, emotional regulation, problem-solving, and connection, all while having fun.
All materials are carefully chosen to support emotional expression, creativity, and a sense of safety.
What About Parents?
I know that trusting someone with your child is a big step.
While play therapy sessions are confidential to protect your child’s therapeutic space, I offer regular parent check-ins to:
Share general themes (without breaking confidentiality)
Talk about progress and emotional development
Offer support and guidance for home or school
You are an important part of your child’s journey, and I aim to work collaboratively with you throughout the process.
If you’re still unsure whether play therapy is right for your child, please reach out for a free 20 minute consultation to find out more.
From battleground to safe space: Supporting your child through mealtimes
Mealtimes can be a battleground for parents at the best of times, but when your child is struggling with disordered eating, emotions are even more heightened.
Here is some information on how to navigate mealtimes.
To note, this advice is targeted at young people experiencing anorexia or bulimia. Please do consult with your treatment team for specific plans.
Be the calm leader your child needs
There is research that shows that when caregivers take control over mealtimes it leads to better outcomes.
Your child is likely stuck in a prison of their own mind, thinking about all the things around food that they need to control in order to feel safe. It can feel relieving to have this control taken away.
However, the way this control is taken is crucial. You must lead with kindness and empathy as well as confidence.
What to do
Direct prompts, being clear to your child of what they have to do next can cut through the noise of their eating disorder:
“Get started on the pasta sweetheart”,
“I’ll sit with you” (sit close, eat the pasta together),
“That’s it, keep going my love” (offer a hug, they may even want spoon-feeding)
These direct prompts should be used alongside connection techniques, which can be maintained in the following ways:
If you and your child like to play a certain card or boardgame, this can be something you do throughout mealtimes as a form of connection and distraction,
Always finish a mealtime with even more connection. That can be an activity you like to do such as painting, drawing or playing games,
Focus on what you will do together after the meal is finished
“Once we’ve finished our meal, we will play uno together, I can’t wait.”
Lead with empathy as well as confidence
Mealtimes should also include lots of empathy and understanding, while maintaining that strong, calming and sure presence:
“I know this is hard sweetheart. I’m so sorry it feels that way. You are safe and I know you can do it. Let’s keep going.”
“Trust me. I’m right here.”
“I’m with you. I am on your side. We can do this together.”
“Thank you for telling me that your tummy hurts. Let’s take some deep breaths together for a couple of minutes.” (And then resume the meal)
Crucially, two things can exist at the same time. They can find it hard, and they also need to keep eating.
What not to do
The following things are a very common and sometimes automatic response from parents, but they are less helpful:
Trying to appeal to your child’s logic and reasoning to get them to eat:
Eating disorders are not logical! Your child’s brain is in a state of fear, logic unfortunately, is offline.
Using threats as a way to get them to eat
“If you don’t eat then…[punishment]”, this can increase fight or flight feelings
Change to “Once you’ve eaten then we will [insert connection activity]”
Praise when eating or have eaten
Direct praise can make someone with an ED feel guilt, regret or shame around eating
Instead, acknowledge their strength. “I know that was hard, but you got through it. Let’s go play Jenga.”
This is just a snapshot into how you can support your child at mealtimes. If mealtimes can feel like a battleground please reach out for a tailored plan of how to support your child through this.
You don’t have to do it alone.
Get in touch for support today.
How can I help my child with an eating disorder?
We’ve briefly explored the why’s and wherefores of disordered eating, now I imagine you want to know how you can help.
1. Stay calm and compassionate
Your tone matters just as much as your words.
Try to approach conversations from a place of support rather than fear or frustration. Even when you’re worried, staying calm helps the other person feel safer and less judged.
Phrases like:
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“I care about you and will support you through this.”
“You don’t have to go through this alone, I’m here and on your side.”
“What can I do to make this easier for you?”
Can make a big difference.
Eating disorders often come with lots of shame, so anything you can do to reduce that is incredibly helpful.
2. Focus on feelings, not food
It’s natural to notice eating habits, but constant comments about food can increase shame and anxiety and result in more secrets around food.
Instead of:
“You need to eat more”
“Why won’t you just try?”
Try focusing on emotions:
“Things seem hard at the moment, do you want to talk about it?”
All behaviour with children and young people is communication. Even behaviour around food. Try connecting with what’s underneath that behaviour instead of staying with purely the food and their relationship to it.
This keeps the conversation connected to what’s really going on.
3. Be consistent, not perfect
Support doesn’t mean saying the right thing every time.
You might get it wrong. You might feel frustrated. That’s human. What matters most is being steady, reliable and caring over time.
Knowing that you’re still there, even after difficult moments, can feel incredibly reassuring and grounding.
For someone with an eating disorder, their nervous system is often in a state of fight or flight, they can feel scared and panicked. It is very difficult to eat in this state.
Be the antidote to that panic by maintaining a calm presence at mealtimes, displaying that you know food and eating is safe.
4. What often doesn’t help (even though it’s well meant)
Commenting on weight, appearance, or how “well” they look,
Praising eating or criticising not eating
Using guilt, fear, or threats to motivate change
Comparing them to others
Minimising the problem (“it’s just a phase”)
These responses can increase shame and push the struggle further underground.
5. Supporting yourself matters too
Caring about someone with an eating disorder can be exhausting and emotionally draining. You might feel helpless, scared or unsure where to turn.
It’s ok to:
Set boundaries
Ask for your own support
Acknowledge how hard this is for you
Do things for yourself that support your own wellbeing
You don’t have to carry it all on your own.
6. A gentle reminder
Recovery is very rarely quick or linear. There may be progress, setbacks, and uncertainty on the way.
It does not mean you’ve failed if you experience these things. Your role is to care, stay connected, and to help create enough safety for change to become possible.
If you’re supporting someone who is struggling counselling can help explore the emotional roots of eating difficulties in a compassionate, non-judgemental way.
Support can also help families and loved ones understand how best to help without feeling overwhelmed.
I offer sessions for both family members who are concerned, as well as sessions for young people (and adults) experiencing an eating disorder. My family support packages offer a deep dive into what’s going on for your child and your family and create a bespoke plan for moving forward.
Why won’t my child eat?!
Watching someone you care about struggle with food can feel frightening, frustrating and heartbreaking. When it’s your child, these emotions are even more heightened and it can feel genuinely terrifying to witness.
You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells, worried about saying and doing the wrong thing.
There’s no perfect way to support someone with an eating disorder. But there are ways to be helpful, compassionate, and safe, even when things feel hard.
First it helps to understand this
Eating disorders are not just about food. They’re not purely psychological either.
For some people, there is a biological vulnerability. When food is restricted, their nervous system responds differently. Instead of feeling agitated or distressed, restriction can bring a sense of calm, clarity or safety. This isn’t a choice; it’s a neurobiological response.
This is why it’s common to find that what started out as a seemingly innocent diet or stress related restriction, escalates into something more serious.
Over time, restriction can:
· Alter hunger and fullness cues
· Change how the brain responds to food
· Reduce anxiety in the short term
· Reinforce the behaviour because it feels regulating
In other words, the eating difficulty can begin to feel like a solution, not a problem.
Of course, alongside this biological response, there is also plenty of psychology at play. Eating disorders often develop alongside emotional distress, trauma, perfectionism or a need for control. It’s very common to see low self esteem amongst those effected.
The biological and emotional aspects become tightly intertwined, reinforcing the other.
This is why:
· “Just eat it” doesn’t work
· Logic and reassurance often fall flat
· Change can feel genuinely threatening, even when the risks are understood
Eating disorders are not rational. So, arguing with the irrational eating disorder thoughts is a frustrating trap parents often fall into.
Understanding this can help shift the focus from blame or frustration to compassion and patience.
The best way forward is to connect with the person beneath the eating disorder.
In a series of upcoming blogs, I will lay out some tools for how to do this.
However, if you are struggling right now, I urge you to get in touch for my family eating disorder support services.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Myth busters: What to expect from counselling
Counselling with Charlotte Harper
Myth 1: “The counsellor will tell me what to do with my life.”
Truth: I will never tell you what to do. I have a deep belief that we are all the experts of our own lives and that we have within us what we need to live well. Sometimes we just need some support to unlock that. As opposed to telling you what to do, I will help you gain clarity and self awareness to empower you to make your own choices of how to move forward.
Myth 2: “I need to have deep trauma to warrant going to counselling.”
Truth: Absolutely not! You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from counselling. While I absolutely do work with trauma I also work with every day stresses, relationship issues, self-esteem and general wellbeing too. Some longer term clients use counselling as a monthly check in as it’s a unique space just for you, to talk and reflect from your perspective.
Myth 3: “Just turning up to counselling will create change.”
Truth: While turning up for counselling is a HUGE step in itself, the change comes from the work clients do not only in the counselling room, but also in between sessions. I’m not going to lie, counselling can be hard work, it requires dedication and committment and for fear of sounding like your secondary school teacher; you get out of it what you put in!
Myth 4: “Counselling is just talking about the past.”
Truth: While the past could absolutely come up, sessions focus on the present (how are you feeling today), the future (how you want to feel moving forward), and the past comes into play when experiences from the past are impacting how you’re living today. But ultimately, we will go wherever you want to go. You lead and I’ll follow alongside you.
Myth 5: “If I say my truth, I’ll be judged.”
Truth: My counselling caravan is a judgement free zone. I want you to feel comfortable to bring all aspects of yourself to sessions, safe in the knowledge you’ll be accepted. It’s the one place you can bring all the messy, confusing and contradictory parts of yourself without fear of repercussions.
Still curious?
Reach out for a free introductory call to find out more about what you can expect from working with me.